I Don't Want To Talk About It

There are a lot of things that I don't want to talk about on this Monday morning... first and foremost being the fact that it is a Monday morning. Other things include:
 -- the distinct possibility that my husband will be deployed to NJ/NY in the next few days for over a month. I absolutely understand that so many people in those states need help and my heart is breaking for them every time I hear more about the destruction. I realize that wanting to keep my hubby at home is incredibly selfish, and yes, I feel quite guilty about it. But the thought of him missing Thanksgiving, my birthday, and the great majority of the "holiday season" for the second year in a row makes me pretty darn sad. Oh, and not to mention: there goes the honeymoon again.....
 -- this damn election. I am so incredibly sick of political ads, political analysis, political signs littering our beautiful state, and political posts all over social media by misinformed or simply ignorant people. I am so ready to vote tomorrow and put this whole mess behind us. My biggest nightmare is that recounts, small margins, and candidates who aren't willing to admit defeat will drag the process out and we will still be talking about this in a month. In which case, I may run away to Canada until the inauguration. Yes, please vote tomorrow. And on Wednesday morning, no matter what the outcome, please please please get on with your lives.
 -- my poor car, which sits in a cold garage awaiting its fate this morning. I wonder if it knows what's coming?
 -- how early I got up this morning in order to get to the gym, get ready for work, drive home and pick up the hubs, drive him to work, and then get all the way across town to my office on time. I don't think I really woke up until a few miles into my run. Interesting note: the gym is sooo much busier an hour earlier. Also, there are a lot more women walking around the locker room with not a stitch of clothing on. Awkward way to start the week.
 -- the fact that I spent the entire weekend cleaning... and I'm still not done. Our house was in serious need of a deep clean/decluttering, so Saturday morning I woke up early, went for a run, and then dove right in. I spent a solid 12 hours scrubbing/washing/organizing/folding/mopping/finding new homes for things/finding hiding spots for all the things for which I couldn't find new homes. And then I woke up yesterday and kept going. By last night, our bathroom and bedroom looked pretty darn impressive, our kitchen looked much better than it did, and our living room saw a bit of progress. The dining room, office, and guest room? I'm just lucky that two out of those three have doors that can be shut...
 -- the frighteningly large number of thank you notes still left to be done. Just the thought of this makes me sweat a bit. One day soon I'm going to sequester myself at a Starbucks table with only some music and this task. Except really, I hear the holiday accessories have arrived and I just want a good excuse to get my hands on one of those beautiful red cups.
Nope, I definitely don't want to talk about any of that. Not one bit.


   Love,

    Meg

Friday Favorites

You know it's going to be a weird day when breakfast is a bowl of soup (yep, that happened). Unfortunately, my Fridays have recently been the busiest days of the week... not exactly an ideal way to ease into the weekend. Today is no exception, with several back-to-back meetings and lots of things to get accomplished in between. Before all that gets started, however, there are a few quick favorites that I've been waiting to share with you. In brief:

I discovered and downloaded this song on Tuesday, and have already played it more than 100 times. No joke, I've had it on repeat all. week. long. I think I owe my firstborn to Pandora for knowing exactly what I want to fall in love with.

This article on being a military spouse is absolutely spot-on. If you are one, read it and just nod along. If you're not, read it for a rare opportunity to see life from our perspective.

Trials overload! Between swimming and track this week, I can barely keep up, but I am loving every second. This does not bode well, however, for the two week blitz that will be London -- perhaps my boss would grant me an extended vacation so that I can sit on my couch 24/7, basking in the glory that is Bob Costas? That man makes me inexplicably happy...

And finally, this:

happens tonight. Hubs and I already have tickets. I am beside myself with excitement.

Happy weekend, everyone!

   Love,

    Meg

Thursday Things

 -- This kind of made my day yesterday...

(from this weekend's race)

 I came in 38th out of over 600 runners and was the 7th female overall to finish -- less than 2 minutes off the leading female's time. I always race for times, not to compete against others, but a PR and a division award certainly motivates me to keep training hard.

 -- Last night, as happens periodically, I came home from a run to find that the military had thrown up all over my living room. Dan was headed to drill this morning and has some kind of gear check while he is there, so I spent the evening calling out strange army abbreviations as he scrambled to find and pack everything he had been issued for the deployment. Luckily, the cat chose to watch most of this adventure from the safety of my lap, otherwise I don't doubt that he would have been thrown in a duffel bag and presented to a supply sergeant today.

1 CAT. orange. med-reg sz, fluffy. NOT suited for wet weather.

The whole effort was greatly complicated by the fact that half of the stuff he has to verify is still in his footlocker, which didn't make it back to the states until a few weeks ago and has been sitting at the armory ever since. I for one am really thrilled about all the civilian clothes that were also in that footlocker, which will be arriving in my laundry tomorrow evening in all their musty, sandy glory.

 -- For the past week, I've had a very strong urge to go for a long drive. Actually, if we're being honest, I've had a very strong urge to sit in the passenger seat while my husband goes for a long drive. I would blame it on the gorgeous spring weather, but it's been raining for almost a week here... I guess I'm just a little sick of the crowded city and the interstate on which I commute twice a day.

 -- It is quite difficult to work with someone who already knows everything about everything. By the third day of training, my replacement was already informing me of the ways she planned to do my job differently, and she has spent this week attempting to order me around and giving me instructions on what I should be doing for her. Needless to say, the end of my rope is rapidly approaching... and it's a long way to the ground once she falls off. I'm trying hard to be patient since I am down to mere hours putting up with her, but there's a tiny part of me that hopes her overconfidence causes something to blow up in her face once I'm gone -- a little reality check might go a long way for this one.

 -- Since Dan is at drill today and tomorrow, I'm playing single lady for the night. Plans include a long run (unfortunately either in the rain or on the treadmill), takeout, and watching movies in bed. That's right, this is a veritable hotbed of excitement. Try not to get too jealous.

 -- As much as she drives me crazy sometimes, who could stay mad at this face?

Happy Thursday, everyone!

   Love,

    Meg

Playing Army

I spent my weekend in a sea of this:

It's not often the military wife gets to tag along for drill weekend, but this month was a little special: Dan's unit had their first Yellow Ribbon Redeployment ceremony, so we hit the road together this time for two days of PTSD seminars, financial planning speakers, (un)employment coaching, and the perk to making it through all of those: some much needed time with great friends.

Friday afternoon, our wonderful friends T and N came into our hometown for a concert and we had the privilege of watching their adorable 11 month old for the evening. It was just the pick-me-up I needed after a long week at work and a day of two spectacularly bad runs: baby giggles, big grins, and some cuddling before bedtime. She is such a happy, easygoing little one, and we had a fantastic time with her.

I snapped this little slice of adorable after laying baby girl down to sleep, when hubby (who knew he had to drive into the night) decided that a nap on the floor looked like a pretty good idea. Go ahead, melt my heart.

When our friends made it back from the concert, we packed up our cars and "convoyed it" (welcome to the Army) down to VA Beach, finally rolling into our hotel at about 3 AM. We had to be ready to go the next morning by 6:30, of course... nothing like less than 3 hours of sleep to start off a long weekend, right?

Saturday involved quite a lot of sitting around and waiting, about 6 hours of speakers (ranging from mildly entertaining to tortuously soporific), and more cups of coffee than I care to count. It was a seriously long day, but thankfully T and N's little girl gave us a good excuse to get up and walk around every once in a while. We were released around 4 and headed back to our hotel to get in a quick workout (me) and take a nap (everyone else), and then met up with T and N and a few other couples to visit the Mecca of seafood:

We stuffed ourselves with crab legs (or maybe that was just me?) and got to enjoy some well-deserved down time. It was really great to spend some time with the guys Dan deployed with, getting to know a few of them and their wives outside of the military atmosphere. It is always so fun to watch Dan interact with his army buddies. After dinner we stopped at the hotel bar for a couple drinks with some of his guys before heading up to make it a relatively early night. I'm pretty sure that between the long two days, the approximate metric ton of seafood I consumed, and the two cherry cosmos, I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow.

Sunday we didn't have to be anywhere until 8, so I lucked out and had time to run before we checked out of the hotel. The morning was blissfully brief and we were done before noon, so the five of us (Dan, myself, T, N, and their little one) drove the hour or so to Williamsburg for lunch and a little shopping. 

visiting with good old TJ

It had been several weeks since I'd seen them, so I was so excited for an excuse to spend the weekend with these wonderful friends. It's hard to believe that we've only known each other since the last Yellow Ribbon ceremony in May, just before the guys left for mobilization -- they have quickly become some of our closest friends and have served as an incredible support system throughout the deployment and reintegration for both Dan and myself. 

I sometimes get a little jealous when I read the blogs of other military wives, who all seem to have a huge group of fellow wives that are really more like sisters. These are girls that they can call in the middle of the night during a deployment, no questions asked. Girls that they see several times a week and talk to almost every day. Girls that would drop everything for them in a minute if they needed it. While their husbands watch each others' backs in the sandbox, these ladies develop a bond like no other here at home as they depend on each other for strength and assistance and love. Unfortunately, since fact that Dan is National Guard and we don't live on or even close to a post, I've never really had the chance to forge these kind of relationships. I've always been ok with being independent, but I would be lying if I said I didn't sometimes crave that kind of friendship with other women who know what the military life is like. I am so incredibly grateful to have one close friend like that in N, and to have weekends like this where I at least get to meet other wives, share stories, and feel like I really belong.

I can tell that Dan, also, really needed this weekend. I know that it was tough on him to go from living with and relying on these guys every day to now communicating through texts and seeing most of them just once a month. I loved getting to watch him in his element, with friends who understand him so well and clearly care about him so much. I hate that a lot of these guys and their families live so far from us (spread throughout the state), but I'm already looking forward to the second Yellow Ribbon event in April. While it was a long and exhausting weekend, I certainly came home with a renewed appreciation for the soldiers in Dan's unit and the army in general, as well as for great friends like T and N.

In the ultimate transition from military to civilian, though, I got to wake my hubby up bright and early this morning for his first day of work at the new job! I am so excited for him and am crossing my fingers that he ends up loving it.

   Love,

    Meg

Soldiers' Honor

When I was young, Veteran's Day meant little more than a day off from school or some kind of patriotic assembly. I did not know people in the military, had never watched anyone in my life go off to war. One grandfather had served a short time in the army, but rarely spoke of his experiences in anything more than funny anecdotes of cold nights spent in a pup tent. I knew so little about the military, its culture, or its way of life.

I never dreamed that I would one day learn more than I ever cared to know about the army. That one day I would memorize ranks and acronyms, learn how to disassemble a uniform for the laundry and then put it back together, hold my husband's hand through a briefing on how to survive deployment. I never dreamed I would live in a home where boots sit by my front door, a framed commissioning certificate is proudly displayed in the living room, and a blue star flag hangs in my front window. That I would become all-too-familiar with the loneliness and terror that accompanies every moment when someone you love is serving his country. I never dreamed that I would be a military wife, that I would give my heart away to a soldier. 

Even though this part of my life was never planned, never requested, and is never easy, it is something that I have come to realize that I would not trade for the world. The military lifestyle can be tedious, frustrating, and frightening, but I have learned that it can simultaneously be rewarding and fulfilling. The army has allowed Dan and I to form unparalleled friendships, given us once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, and constantly strengthened our own relationship. I am comforted knowing that the military and its members are always there to honor Dan and support both of us.

My husband is not just my best friend but my hero, the bravest person I know. He completes the most difficult of jobs with incredible courage, and always puts the needs of his men before himself. He sits halfway around the world in a war zone, and yet he never complains about the conditions, his overwhelming responsibilities, or his exhaustion. He is the epitome of an American soldier: strong and stoic, dedicated to his mission, his family, and his country. I am more proud of him than I can put into words, and I miss him more than I ever imagined I could miss anyone. I am honored to be his wife, and to be a military wife: although it is the hardest job I have ever taken, it is one that I am infinitely proud to hold.

[via]

   Love,

    Meg

Monday... Monday... Monday

Goodness, is there an echo in here? Must be all that space in here where there should be writing...

Unfortunately, I've had good reason to be away from the internet recently: without going into too much detail, Dan's older brother was wounded in combat overseas last week. It's been a frightening few days, with some bad reports and (thankfully) lots of good updates, but as of yesterday he is finally back in the states. Dan's parents' are with him and now begins a long and tough road to recovery. He is a strong guy thought and in the end, he's very lucky to have his life, his limbs, and a good support system.

Other than this entirely unwelcome excitement, life has been otherwise calm. Poor Toby seems to be feeling better, the kitchen sink is full of dishes, I have about 16 loads of laundry to do... typical. I was able to squeeze in a pretty good long run Saturday morning before the sidewalks turned into molten lava (ie right around the crack of dawn), and made the excellent decision to end at my very favorite place. Heaven had better provide iced coffee daily, otherwise I'm not going.

I apologize for being so short and sweet today, but my to-do list is glaring at me from where it has been banished on the corner of my desk, and before long it may grow legs and little fangs and aggressively demand attention. After this half-sad, half-boring post, I promise to return only when I have something happy to share -- which I hope will be soon! Until then, I'll be catching up on all of your blogs... and maybe some sleep. Happy Monday!

  Love,

    Meg

6 Days: Part II

[find part one here]

After several late nights trying to make the most of every minute, thankfully Sunday morning Dan and I were able to sleep late. When I finally made myself get up and take a shower, I emerged to find that my awesome hubby had made breakfast -- yummy pancakes and bacon cooked just the way I like it... burnt to a crisp.
That afternoon we packed bunches of balloons in the truck and headed out to our niece's and nephew's birthday party at the park. It was seriously hot but worth it to watch all the kids having fun:

Who can resist a two-year-old with yellow icing from head to toe? I sure can't. Some of us, however, were less than pleased with the heat:

Poor little C -- he is really much cuter than this, I just managed to catch him at a bad time!
That night we went back to Dan's parents' house for some more quality time with the kiddos. They are just so darn cute!
Monday was a day of goodbyes: we went to lunch with my dad's side of the family, then headed out to see lots of Dan's extended family, and finished the day at dinner with my mom's family:

While it was great to see everyone, it was a bittersweet day. We were exhausted and fell asleep on the couch almost as soon as we got home.
Tuesday was our last actual day together, but unfortunately we had lots of errands to get done. We did take a few hours off for an afternoon nap, but there was a lot of driving around town getting things settled, making last minute purchases (who knew international outlet converters were so expensive?), and visiting a few more family members and friends. Watching Dan say goodbye to his niece and nephews was especially heartbreaking, because they are too young to truly understand. I got some adorable pictures though:

Dan and his youngest nephew...

... and reading to his favorite little girl.

It was a tough night and neither of us got much sleep before we had to get up at the crack of dawn and head for the departure ceremony (about 3 hours away). Luckily, my best friend M came to stay on Tuesday night and drove down with us. Thank goodness for her!

... And this is when 6 days of getting to see my sweet hubby turned into 7. Halfway to the departure ceremony, a sleepy Dan looked at me and said "I think my camelbak is in your car...." After 6 years together, this realization didn't surprise me at all -- Dan and I both tend to be a little bit forgetful. Really, though, who would be able to pack for 12 months away from home and not forget something? I know I certainly couldn't. 

I had been pretty sad to say goodbye to Dan that morning, but as soon as we realized that I'd need to drive down to deliver the camelbak the next day, the dark cloud lifted and I was ok. The ceremony itself was hot and very emotional, but I held it together pretty well knowing that in just over 24 hours, I'd be able to give my hubby one more kiss before we separated for 2 months. I felt a little twinge of guilt when I looked around at the other crying wives, but I wasn't about to give up an extra day of seeing Dan!

our anticlimactic goodbye

The part I wasn't prepared for was coming home. We stopped for lunch on the way back, and then after a long and incredibly hot drive I had to walk back into our apartment, where Dan had just been that morning but whose absence, then, was everywhere. I was so grateful that M was there to spend the evening with me and keep my mind off of everything. We went out for a great dinner, watched a mediocre movie, and stayed up forever just talking. It made me miss college, where she lived in the next building and we could spend most nights that way!

The next morning, M headed for home and I spent the afternoon with my stepmom and grandmother -- a date which had been planned when I expected to be really sad, not preparing to drive down for a last goodbye. That evening, I headed down to where Dan was staying with my mom (who was sweet enough to not just go with me but drive me... AND to take Dan cookies) and Dan's cousin (who was willing to ride along to make sure we could get on post -- he's in the military, too). I am so glad I didn't have to make the trip alone!

It was a long four hour drive to only get 10 more minutes with my soldier, but of course it was absolutely worth it for one more goodbye kiss. It was hard to come home again, but I have to keep reminding myself that in a few short months (that I know will fly by), I will get to see him for a weekend! Luckily, in the meantime I have this handsome guy to keep me company:

   Love,

    Meg

6 Days: Part I

Between three weeks of training and... 2 months of more training, Dan and I were able to spend 6 days together -- 2 days at a yellow ribbon ceremony, and then a 4 day pass. I was incredibly excited to see him, but was a little apprehensive knowing that these were our last days together for 2 months and the last time he would be at home for a whole year. I knew that the stress of his departure and our time apart would be hanging over us the entire time and I was a little concerned that all the goodbyes would make for a depressing 6 days, but overall we ended up having lots of fun and making the most of the short time. We were able to stuff many happy memories alongside the sad ones, and I took lots of pictures, stole lots of kisses, and tried very hard to forget about the year that was to come.
[To keep my "week-in-review" a manageable size, I decided to split it up into two posts... so if you're not interested, check back in a few days!]


To kick off the beginning of my super long vacation, I relaxed by the pool after work on Wednesday and then went out to dinner with my friend C. Thursday morning I woke up early to go for a quick and extremely hot run before packing up the car and heading off to the yellow ribbon ceremony, which was in a town about an hour away.

As soon as I pulled into the parking garage at the convention center, there was my hubby! We headed inside and I got to meet one of Dan's close friends and his wife, who was so sweet and I'm really hoping to keep in touch with while the guys are gone. We sat through about 3 hours of what felt a lot like a college class... information on Tricare, DEERS, and how to survive a deployment while married. Some of it was interesting, but a lot of it was just common sense, and by the time everyone was done talking I was starving and ready to check into our hotel and actually spend some time with my husband. I should know by now, though, that nothing in the Army is easy or logical. It took us over two hours of standing in line to finally get our room keys, and then we had less than an hour to check in, move our car, get all of our stuff to the room, and head back to the convention center... and did I mention that the hotel had 18 floors, approximately 400 soldiers and their families trying to check in, and only 4 ELEVATORS?! It was a gorgeous hotel, but slightly lacking in architectural planning.
That afternoon, there was a departure ceremony for the entire task force and then Dan and I headed to dinner with several officers and their spouses. We had an excellent meal and a few great beers, and it was really nice to meet some of the guys that hubby will be working with for the next year. When we got back to the hotel we weren't ready to head for bed yet, so we stopped by the hotel restaurant and ordered another drink. It was so great just to hang out and catch up on the last few weeks.
The next morning, we had to get up super early and get all our stuff packed up and in the car again. Dan headed back over to the convention center, and I stopped at Starbucks to grab us drinks before following him. We sat through another several hours of speakers and information and were finally released around noon to begin our long weekend!
We made a much needed stop here:

... before heading back for home. Once we got back to town, we stopped to pick up Dan's shiny, newly re-sized wedding ring and then headed to his parents' house quickly so that he could see his sister and niece and nephews. That night, we escaped for a night at fantastic old local hotel, had a yummy dinner at one of our favorite places, stopped for some ice cream, and generally just enjoyed a night of gorgeous weather and finally being together.
Saturday morning, we ordered room service for breakfast and then packed up yet again (sensing a pattern here) to head back to the apartment. Dan spend a little quality time with a certain furball:

and then our best friends made it to town and we headed out to sample a little local wine! It was a beautiful day and the four of us had such a fantastic time relaxing and enjoying the scenery and the excellent wine:

So much fun! We got to taste anywhere between 5 and 8 wines at each vineyard and enjoyed a few glasses of our favorites. After visiting three vineyards and the brewery where I used to work, we headed back into town and met up with Dan's little brother and his girlfriend K for dinner. The 6 of us had a great time together and I am so grateful that my best friend and her boyfriend came all the way to spend the day with us!

Stay tuned for the next three days...

   Love,

    Meg

Catching Up

Oh hey there, neglected little blog. What's that? It's been a whole week? Really, please, don't remind me. Of course I still care for you. Don't pout like that. Trust me, in the next 12 months I will be much more attentive. Maybe a tiny bit whiny emotional. Definitely a little nostalgic. Probably even a little too wordy at times, when the cat stops listening and I need a place to vent. Don't you worry dear blog, I'm not going anywhere.

The past 8 days flew by at a pace that made my typical life speed seem like an evening stroll. Memorial Day? I barely even had time to notice. A whole week away from work? I don't think I even thought once about the fact that I was on "vacation." Even my built-in recovery day yesterday whizzed past without even a foot hovering over the brake. I know I always talk about how quickly the weekends go by and how fast my limited time with Dan has become past tense, but this week had to break some kind of land-speed record.

After a week away, I really owe you some sort of real post. Some honest writing, a witty joke or two, and maybe even some pictures. Lots of stories about my last weekend with Dan, the fun we had with friends, and how hard it was to say goodbye. I do have all of those things to share, but the truth is that the week has left me exhausted, both physically and mentally. I've barely slept in the past three nights, driven countless miles over the last week, and done my fair share of crying. I am dying to curl up and get a long night's sleep, but these days the only time that I'm not tired is when I lie down and stare at Dan's pillow. So from my exhausted and slightly overburdened brain, I leave you with just a few thoughts (and the promise to write about our week in the near future):

 -- I have the most incredible family and friends (who are basically family) in the world. I have been completely overwhelmed with the amount of support they have shown in the past few days and weeks for both Dan and myself. They have rounded up their young kids to join us for "goodbye" gatherings, promised care packages to Dan and girls' nights to me, driven me or accompanied me for hours on the road, and texted, facebook messaged, and called in a huge amount of love and encouragement. I am so very lucky to have these people in my life and feel so comforted that even though the next year is going to be tough, I have lots of amazing people to help me through it.

 -- My hubby could not be making this lengthy, demanding, and frightening journey with a group of nicer or more capable soldiers. I was able to meet lots of Dan's closest friends and coworkers this week and am thrilled to know that he is heading out with people who are absolutely the best at what they do. I am also really encouraged to know that "his guys" (and girls) are not only highly experienced and well-trained, but truly respect and care for each other as well. Several of them also have very sweet wives and I'm hoping to keep in touch with them while our husbands are away.

 -- Goodbyes are hard. Coming home to an empty apartment is harder. I never thought that the formerly-annoying pile of Dan's clothes in the corner of our bedroom would make me cry, but the knowledge that he won't be back home for an entire year has hit me in unexpected ways. Last night I opened the refrigerator to grab a drink and was stopped in my tracks by the bottle of vitamin water he intended to take with him when he left on Wednesday. Pathetic? I'd probably rather you not answer that.

-- 2 months apart sounds long. Tack on a quick weekend together, and then add 10 more months away? Let's just say the next two months are going to fly by. I guess that will be good and bad: I want to get all of this over as quickly as possible, but I also want to be able to bask a little in this shorter separation, while communication will be relatively regular and I know that I'm not too far away from seeing his face.

This weekend is going to be busy and hopefully fun enough to distract me from the sadness of this week. I am spending time with a friend tonight and attending my brother-in-law's high school graduation tomorrow, plus I have lots of laundry to do, books I want to start, and lots of miles to make up from the past week of barely any running. Hopefully I can get some sleep too and start to feel a little like a real person again.

Happy weekend, everyone!

   Love,

    Meg

Into the Unknown

To say that I am a planner might be the understatement of the century. I make lists of my lists. I plan menus in my sleep. In college, I often spent so much effort researching and outlining that I nearly ran out of time to actually write the paper. My apartment is afloat with post-it notes and index cards (my mediums of choice) with grocery lists, weekly budgets, songs I want to buy, workout records, and recipes to try. I prepare and anticipate and calculate and schedule every little detail to death and back again, despite the fact that this tends to drive some of the more spontaneous people in my life (including my poor husband) to distraction. Whenever I am upset or stressed, I cuddle up to Dan and ask him to help me: to plan the day, the weekend, the solution to my problems. There are days that I try hard to be a little more impulsive (mainly when my impulses tell me I want ice cream), but the closest I come, usually, is heading out for a run without a route already planned. In general, though, I thrive when I know exactly what to expect... and I figure that at 23 years old, I should probably stick to what I know works for me.

This is where the army and I disagree. I swear that Dan's only job description is "unpredictable," unless it also includes "frequent and drastic last-minute changes." Which makes it a little hard for my ever-planning brain to cope. I can't tell you the number of times I've been mentally prepared for a certain duration of training, a specific return date, or a particular state in which Dan could be found at a given time, only to discover that they would in fact be much longer, much later, or much further away. After almost 6 years, one might think that I would start to get used to this way of life. Let me tell you, a little adaptation would be welcome. But my stubborn self just continues to plan and count on things and write dates in pen... and I still get horribly thrown off track when plans are changed (as they inevitably are). If nothing else, I suppose I'm getting used to disappointment.

When Dan first found out about his deployment, I immediately started to ask questions. (Ok, that's not completely true: first I cried, then I asked questions) I wanted to know everything about everything, to have a clear vision of what our lives would be while he was gone. I quizzed Dan on every aspect of the 13 months: what his mobilization would be like, what would happen when he got overseas, what a typical day would be like for him, how often I'd hear from him, and every single contingency I could come up with. It was here that we encountered problems: I had questions, and my hubby, through no fault of his own, had very few answers. Besides a very rough timeline and general location, the details were fuzzy at best. Dan was not worried, but I was terrified. I needed a plan.

Since at that point we were still over 6 months from his departure, I tried to relax and be at peace with all of the unknown. In reality, I think I spent the first few months in denial, thinking about everything as little as possible and putting off the stress until an unspecific later date. Probably not the best way to deal with it, but at least I didn't let it ruin the holidays. As June 1st has crept closer and closer, however, it's become increasingly harder not to yank my head out of the sand just a little and look at what, exactly, is going on around me. 

In the past 6 months, since we first learned about the deployment, it seems like everything has changed. We jumped from 7 months to 13, Dan's responsibilities during those 13 months have shifted (and continue to change even now), and even his location may change at some point while he is gone. The only thing that hasn't changed? The details are still fuzzy as ever, of course. We don't know exactly when he will leave the country, or how he will get to his actual destination. We don't know how often he will have to make trips off-post, or how reliable the internet access will be. Toward the end of this year, we know that his location is likely to change, but we don't know where he will go or what he will be doing there. We don't know if he will even get a typical 2 week R&R, much less when it will be. Fuzzy. At best.

This unknown factor has been the absolute worst part of the past month, as we "prepare" for Dan to leave. It's hard enough that this is our first deployment and neither of us really know what to expect, but all the extra question marks have made it exponentially scarier. I'm trying to hard to take each day at a time and not stress over all the things I still can't plan, but this goes against every single instinct I've spend 23 years honing. I want desperately to know what the next 13 months will hold for us. I want to know if it will really be as hard as I am dreading, or worse. I want to know that he will be happy with what he's doing there. Most of all, I want to know that I will be able to hear from him -- whether it is daily, weekly, or monthly... I just want to know.

Chances this whole experience of diving off the cliff, not knowing what waits for me at the bottom (nor what the trip down will look like) will force me to become a little less focused on planning my life and a little more focused on living it? Well..... a girl can hope, can't she?

   Love,

    Meg

400 Days

People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.

[Abraham Lincoln]

As hard as I have tried to avoid thinking about it in the past few weeks (and trust me, I have tried hard), the fact that Dan leaves in less than a month just keeps catching up with me. Every single morning, the reminder that I am going to be essentially alone for the next 13 months smacks me over the head and then plants itself right in the pit of my stomach, where the gnawing makes it very hard to concentrate on anything else. Sometimes I'm able to talk a good game with my heart, half-convincing myself that I can do this, that it's going to be fine. Sometimes I go to bed hopeful, believing that 13 months isn't really that long and that it will all be over before I even have time to think too hard about it. Sometimes I can fool myself into thinking that if I only fill every minute of my time, keeping myself booked every day of every week, I'll be too busy to realize the volume of loneliness that I know is coming. But each time I get confident that I'm going to make it through those 13 months without being utterly miserable, I'm reminded of an event that Dan will miss, an activity that I'll have to do without him, or the fact that 13 months is, in fact, longer than an entire year (did you know?). And then I'm back to square one, trying to pick myself up and fighting the urge to simply stay in bed and eat ice cream and cry for the next year of my life (year-plus... because did I mention that 13 months is longer than a year? I know, I'm shocked every time I realize it too).
When the subject of the deployment comes up in conversation, some people point out that it should be easy, because Dan and I have spent so much time apart during our relationship. It is true that we've got a lot of experience in the long-distance department -- until the past year, he and I hadn't lived in the same town for more than 2 or 3 months at a time, and often we didn't see each other more than a few times a month. We've gone as many as 4 months without seeing each other at all (although that was 4 years ago), and we've even made it through 6 weeks with no contact except for letters (those handwritten things that you send with stamps... remember them?) and two phone calls. And while I have never agreed with the logic that the more time you spend apart, the easier it gets, I do know that we've made it through this before. It will be much, much, much longer this time around, but the idea of being separated by thousands of miles is certainly not foreign to us.
The new (and entirely unwelcome) part of the next 13 months? The worrying. I am a worrier by nature. I fret about anything and everything... and more. Saying that I will be anxious about Dan's health, safety, and happiness while he is away is a huge understatement -- I have accepted the fact that there are a lot of sleepless nights in my future. Luckily, I should be able to hear from him often, but I know that I am going to be a nervous wreck for basically the entire time he is gone.
All of this thinking stressing obsessing over Dan's departure, however, has made me realize that, for better or for worse, I have two choices: I can cave into the misery and essentially waste over a year of my life on something I have no control over, or I can accept that it's not going to be easy but do my best to make it through with a smile. On one hand,I know that it would be so easy to just give in and stumble through the next year in a haze, allowing the thundercloud overhead to drench me day after day. Yep, feeling sorry for myself and letting the loneliness overtake my life would be so simple. But I've never met a challenge I wasn't prepared to take on. So my goal for the next 13 months? It's simple: be happy.
I've been in a relationship for almost 6 years now, and I will admit that sometimes I think I've forgotten how to be happy on my own. When you have a boyfriend/fiance/husband who tells you he loves you, takes you to see girly movies, cooks you amazing dinners, sometimes allows you to be little spoon, and occasionally sends you beautiful flowers, it's kind of easy to sit back and let those little details create your happiness. I don't think that's a bad thing, but 6 years later when you're facing 13 months without the person who makes you happier than anything, it's a little shocking to realize that you're not really sure what else makes you happy. I know that Dan isn't the only thing that makes me smile (Dunkin Donuts' iced coffee is proof of that), but over the next year (-ish), I am determined to find new ways to cheer myself up and enjoy life. While I have so many people to support me and help me along, I know that it I have to take a little time to put myself first, and I think I owe it to myself to explore my own happiness
I'm not really sure what the next 400 days of my life hold. I do know that they are not going to be easy, and that sometimes I'm going to need a little time just to be sad. I know that they are going to feel incredibly long, no matter how busy I am, but that, in reality, none of them will take more than 24 hours. I know that there will be a lot of counting down involved -- until the next email, the next phone call, and the day that I get to finally see him again. But I also know that I am going to do whatever it takes to make these 400 days happy ones, despite the rather large obstacles to that. I know that they are going to involve lots of meals with family, lots of quality time with my netflix account, lots of miles of running, lots of laughs with friends, lots of furry snuggling (get ready, Toby), lots of nights curled up with a good book, lots of blog posts, and lots of cross-town trips just for my favorite coffee. These days may also require occasional bouts of retail therapy, big doses of comfort food, hot bubble baths, random dance parties, relaxing pedicures, massive bowls of pasta, Friends marathons, and ridiculous amounts of late-night baking. Whatever it takes, I'm committed to making each and every day worthwhile, combating the loneliness with everything I have, and making my happiness a priority.
For the next 400 days, a huge piece of my life will be missing, and not a day will go by that I will not worry about him and miss him terribly. But no matter what, I won't allow these days, weeks, and months to be lost in misery. I will fill my time with happiness, in whatever form that may take, and maybe... hopefully... I will learn a little bit about myself in the process.

   Love,

    Meg